did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
