she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
