everyone is single if you try hard enough
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
