I wish life had little blips of pornography
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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