i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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