It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
