no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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