Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
