Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
