My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
