i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
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We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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