Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
