I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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