When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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