Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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