Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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