My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just high enough for therapy.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
