Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
