just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
