don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
