Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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