I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
so much tequila, so little girl.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
