You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
