Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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