We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
