so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
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All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
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He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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