the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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