Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
