I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
