half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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