I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
