I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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