i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
