so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
