i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
