Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I can tuck mytits in my pants
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
