Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
