The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
