1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
