Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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