Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
