If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
