Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
