Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
