Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
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just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
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do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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