I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
