Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
