This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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