Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
