We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
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I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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