Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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