This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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