he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
