The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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