Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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