I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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