Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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